sonntag, 18 mai 2025 - what a weekend I've been incredibly productive—so much so, I've not really had time to do my fun hobbies but the modifications to my room are almost —almost! —almost done! I'm laying down in bed with Apothecary Diaries playing after a nice warm shower and a pile of papers to sort through and yet here I am — episode 20 and I'm sleepy, I can feel the heaviness in my eyelids and then — not! Time to do some work!
donnerstag, 12 januar 2023 - a thought I want to run and feel the cold chill on my skin as breath and warmth flee my body!
sonntag, 11 juni 2023 - the gods play no favorites I stumbled onto this little one and I just couldn't stop thinking of that fragment, I can't say I'm the biggest fan of his work, but he does have some parts I really enjoy— here is one...
the wine of forever
charles bukowski
montag, 17 oktober 2022 - finally caught up to driftmark I could not help it. I took my sweet time to watch the last couple of episodes—I did not want it to end! Season one of House of the Dragon was not just perfect, but it was so beautiful. I don't much care for the familial inclinations in these families, but— I had to rewatch the wedding scene. Many times. Over and over again. This is what my dream wedding looks like.
"Blood of two, joined as one. Ghostly flame and song of shadows. Two hearts as embers, forged in fourteen fires. A future promised in glass, the stars stand witness. The vow spoken through time, of darkness and light"
mittwoch, 10 august 2022 - blurred It feels like I’m out of sync with the rest of the world, like I’m the motion blur and not the original image. As if I’ve been left behind not to be remembered again. I’ve never known how to deal with this feeling. It’s crept up, more often than every once in a while, in my life since childhood, it’s so familiar. A haunting that will never end.
sonntag, 24 juli 2022 - the same damn thing Exposed pulp. That's how I feel. Somehow, my attention, love, care, devotion, hell, even time is never enough, is it? When I think I finally meet someone that does appreciate (fully and deeply, I mean), it just turns out it was all a lie. And it's every single person. Somehow, it isn't what they want. And so, there I am. Fractured. Or... a fraction of me is all that's required. Just a piece. But then who I am... is nothing but shards of glass. That's all. Just splinters of myself. Until another person comes along and it turns out, it's the same damn story, all along. Again. Another disappointment and confirmation. Even when I had hoped. Maybe this one time it will be different? Deep down. Just to meet others that can understand and see. Really see. Instead that part of me breaks into even smaller pieces to be used.
samstag, 2 juli 2022 - spitting Pretty obsessed with this song and it may have been on a loop for days now...along with a few other songs. I have to give myself a break and switch my looping songs. I wish streaming platforms wouldn't consider my looped stream as that of a bot. It's literally me listening to it on a loop. *exhale*
montag, 13 september 2021 - when there were two I remember these days, I had, by some miracle, found a rabbit exactly when I needed one. He just happened to be the perfect addition to the Furryfoot family. Logan and Betsy got along so well after that. They were truly inseparable. I miss cuddling with them. They used to sleep all night cuddling with me under the blankets and on my arm. Unless we got too hot under there! They were outta there! But they really did sneak under the blankets and seek out little cuddle times.
dienstag, 31 august 2021 - to keep going It's like every time I try, so many things get in the way, like today: I almost passed out in public. I'm still recovering but how am I supposed to do anything? Was I supposed to just keep going until I passed out? I can honestly say, I have no need for that in my life. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I work, I can never seem to move from the same place. Is it supposed to be that way?
dienstag, 16 märz 2021 - is that pride? How do you pull yourself back? Back into you? And then get back on track? Do we force it? Can you even do that? Isn't it all supposed to happen naturally? Is that pride there in the back forcing me to do it all? Or is that me? Is it just the way that days work, and you keep going? Is that how it's all supposed to go? I feel so strange and as if I'm not in me. Is it anxiety, depression, frustration, or maybe too many disappointments? Too much inside of me? Too many failures? Too broken? But why? Too tired. Too sleepy. No control. Just doing. It feels nice, I get to just be. Or should I say, not be. It all feels like I failed, but I wasn't trying anything. Is everything is a failure without trying? I didn't even know I was supposed to try. What was I supposed to try? I think, that's it. Maybe this is the same failure I felt before, like it's too late to do anything about, too late to fix, and to move, and to try
freitag, 25 september 2020 - slow Today was good. Even if I was slow. So. Damn. Slow. Even if things went wrong. And. Everything. Went. Wrong. I just kept pushing through until I reached a good point.
Maybe it's as important to fail and struggle, as it is to succeed and struggle?
The only thing is it feels like I've always struggled…and failed.
dienstag, 8 september 2020 - more hard times Today…was rough. I was distracted so much. All over the place. Procrastinated everything. Couldn't focus at all when I sat down to do things. I couldn't get anything done. Not even get to bed on time.
sonntag, 6 september 2020 - sitting back I'm feeling pretty good right now. How are you supposed to keep going when things are good? Should you sit back and enjoy? What should you do when you're there? Keep bustin' your ass?
mittwoch, 3 juni 2020 - again, and again I reset myself, again, got back on track, then I failed. Again. Things are not easy for me. Time and time again, all week long, even today, but I told myself I needed a break, forgave myself for these choices and moved on. I have much to do to catch up, but here I go, again.
dienstag, 30 juli 2019 - a little easier When there's rain or a storm, I feel energized. It's like I can see possibilities, along with the immediate relief from the gross heat, but maybe I get reminded of what sings to me? Deep down.
I dream of a future where things are a little easier, whether it be learning new things, or living. I'm just so tired. So, so, so tired. Of everything. All the time. And the sadness. There's so much of it. Sometimes I feel like I will be consumed by it all.
And there's so much that I want to do and it feels like there is not nearly enough time to do them all. Should I just forget them all? Only do some? How would I know what to do and what to sacrifice?
donnerstag, 23 mai 2019 - sunday night on a friday night I sit here at home, sweating and stuffing my face with Doritos, probably something I shouldn't be doing, but we've just celebrated a birthday. That's pretty much all we need. All the reasons, I guess.
I think back on what the past few weeks have been like and I am content, despite the heat, which is, if I'm to be honest, enough to sour my moods any day. Today's my Sunday, I've got work tomorrow early and my schedule resumes as usual, but I always dread going back to work.
Working a traditional job doesn't fit me, but here we are, dreading and eating Doritos that said job paid for—
I'm grateful for the work; don't get me wrong and I don't take it for granted. Guessin' that deep down, I always hope for something else, something not so sad... maybe more interesting.
Guess I'll just finish re-watching Kimi ni Todoke...
mittwoch, 27 märz 2019 - interlude, not a beginning It's hard to believe that this is where I start. Somewhere in the middle, but then, not so surprising.
Always been the kind to go from beginning to end. No breaks, no stops.
But this time around, it'll be the wrong way. How unconventional.
mittwoch, 9 mai 2018 - too much I don't want to go out. I just want to stay in with the doggies and bunnies and soak up fandoms...
Sometimes, seeing the world is too difficult. Everything is too much. Too many. But is this too much to ask for?
donnerstag, 20 juli 2017 - a day Today's been a rough day, a lot of death today in my life.
montag, 9 januar 2017 - reminders I'm just your average person trying to figure out what to make of life. I don't have any answers but I am on a journey to find them.
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never had an answer and if I did, it changed within moments. There are just too many great things in this world to do.
I have many interests and goals just like everyone else. Finish school, travel, knock a few things off my bucket list, be a bad ass, and some more blah blah blah that I can't exactly remember.
sonntag, 18 september 2016 - history or planning to Maybe I don't have much to say about my family's history. I know almost absolutely nothing about my family's history. Obviously, I know about the recent generations but before that...no freakin' clue. What's that about?
This is probably why I am crazy curious about it, why I want to know all about my family's history. That information hasn't been passed down and as far as I know, we're just people who forgot about our ancestors and our story. I don't know what I'm going to find but I plan on finding out. I'm dying to know!
samstag, 6 februar 2016 - maybe to take care of me It's not that I'm unhappy with my body, although, it started out like that in the beginning.
There was a lot of self hatred and wishing I had been born so-and-so perfect. Sadly, I don't think I'm alone in thinking [or having thought] like that.
Perfection was a big deal and we were not, well, I admit that I was not. There was a lot of darkness in that time for me personally.
Thankfully, that time has come and gone and it really has been a privilege to learn love myself.
Never, ever give up.
I neglected myself for years, not thinking I was worth the attention, even from myself. Finally, after all of that crap, I just want to take care of me. I know it won't be easy and I'll likely fail time and time again, but that's the thing, right?
Keep getting back up.
sonntag, 27 dezember 2015 - overthoughts I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly there's been a lot of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.I gotta say…I'm pretty close now. Not to anything significant but to finding out what I find important.
What I've been trying to do is figure out what to do and how to, and so on.
So, as usual. I've been over thinking it all.
